Note: The author is putting this series on hiatus for anywhere between a month and forever.
Alan: I don’t think I’m the best person to participate in this. I don’t really want to help Brendan.
Kenny: But since you are here, maybe say just a few words.
Alan: I just see him as a party ruiner. He ends gatherings. He always gets the last word and it’s usually distorted by vomit. I know a lot of people exaggerate his shenanigans, especially the women, but he does ruin social drinking for the rest of us. So I wish he would just stay home and drink by himself.
Kenny: Jesus, man. You were right, not suitable at all.
Alan: I mean, what am I even doing here? It’s in my best interest for him to stay hammered so I can fuck with him more in poker.
Kenny: Speaking of poker and fucking, Maude, you must have things to say. On your birthday, Brendan wanted to jump out of a cake for you. A bender later, he just buys you a regular cake and jumps into it.
Maude: Well, this whole thing will only ever really benefit his liver. If he stops drinking, he’s still just an asshole. You can’t detox rudeness. He calls rough sex “punch fucking”, for Christ’s sake.
Brendan: You just think I’m an asshole because I’m an Aries.
Maude: No, I think Aries are assholes because of you. That’s why I don’t have sex in Summer. I don’t want to chance having a child in Spring.
Brendan: You don’t have sex ever.
Maude: And how can you be so certain of that?
Brendan: Because you’re always with me.
Maude: Exactly. (pause) What did you promise me the night before the show you literally phoned in?
Kenny: You did say you would really get sober.
Brendan: I didn’t promise. And come on, I was drunk at the time. I can’t be held responsible for my responsibility.
Maude: Oh my God, now I need a drink.
Brendan: Why aren’t any of you intervening Maude? Freak Flagpole has her so brainwashed, you could barely get her here. I doubt getting arrested at Baskin Robbins for actually screaming for ice cream has hurt the group as much as being abandoned by our director.
Maude: Um, again, you sold me! (to others) Do you guys want some drinks too?
All: Yeah.
Maude: (to Brendan) Very cute. You sold me and I realized I was better off. You technically rule this troupe and therefore you don’t see my value. Whatever. I don’t care. I might as well get you a drink.
All drink from their glasses of wine except for Brendan who just stares at his.
Brendan: I see your value, Maude. You’re all valuable to me, except James and Alan, of course.
Alan: (sarcastically) Awww.
James: Go fuck yourself, ol’ chum.
Brendan: You can have your Wii back, Alan. No deal. I should have said that from the start.
Kenny: How sober are you right now?
Brendan: Oh, not at all. I had six beers before I got here, but they will be my last if Maude leaves those hipster children and comes back to direct us. The twelve steps will not be worth it otherwise. I even promise it this time.
Maude: (sighs)…Deal, I suppose.
Some light cheering occurs.
Brendan: Ok then! But let’s drink a toast to no more toasts!
Alan: Wait. What about the weed that went with the Wii?
Brendan: Hmmm? What?
Tags: comedy, fiction, humor, prose, scripts, sketch comedy, writing
